


on feeling and faith

by onefootinsea_andoneonshore



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode: c2ep69 The King's Cage, beware of run on sentences, im good at angst i guess, really sad, they're always blaming themselves and im not having it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 11:04:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19440154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onefootinsea_andoneonshore/pseuds/onefootinsea_andoneonshore
Summary: Jester promised Yasha that they would all have her back. And now, she's gone.a look at how jester (and fjord) are Dealing With Stuff (or not) after what happened in the tomb.Spoilers if you're not caught up in Campaign 2





	on feeling and faith

**Author's Note:**

> lord jesus let yasha be okay let them deal with their trauma constructively let them grow from this please let this Not end terribly
> 
> SO yeah first critical role fic, but this all sorta came spilling out after seeing a post about jester talking to yasha in ep 66 soooooooo yeah! hope you like sorta-run on sentences!
> 
> thanks to iris (amonstercourtinginsanity on ao3) (@bluebellflames on tumblr) for betaing!! ily

_"Just say the word, and we'll all have your back."_

Jester's eyes fix themselves on a spot on the horizon as the party flies by on the moorbounders. Past Caduceus and Beau, past Caleb and Nott _(and Yasha, where's Yasha, she should be there with them, behind Cad, where -),_ just a nondescript bit of sky. It's all she can allow herself to do, because if she does anything else besides cry _(and cry and cry and cry and_ **_cry_** _),_ she's not sure if she'll come back. She can't feel the stinging wind that used to bite at her face as she rode at speed, can't feel her feet in the stirrups of Yarnball's saddle, can't even feel the once-butterflies-inducing warmth of Fjord's arms around her waist. All she feels is the wetness on her face as tears pour without end.

They reach the inn where they had stayed before _(a night ago? Two? How long had they been in there? How long had it taken for everything to go wrong?),_ passing out as soon as they can. They don't bother to watch for anything. It's not like they have anything to lose.

Jester's sleeping mind is barraged with images of Yasha, her smiling, laughing picking flowers, the quiet moments. Yasha, taking out her sword, smiling again _but it's not the same_ , hurting Nott, hurting Beau and Fjord and _why isn't she here_ and the doors are closing and she can't save her even though they _promised-_

and she wakes up, and sits in silence until the morning comes.

They ride though most of the next day, barely speaking to each other. Jester finds that no matter how much she feels like sobbing, no more tears come. Instead, there's just this hollow feeling in her chest. It drains her, and it's near midday when Jester almost passes out in the saddle, only to be quickly righted by a weathered pair of hands that clasp her shoulders and pull her back up. Their speed falters as even Yarnball notices something wrong, and the rest of the group stops as well.

"You alright, Jess?" She feels the rumbling of Fjord's voice more than she hears it.

"Yeah," she says, shaking her head and blinking hard. "Yeah, yes, I'm fine. Thank you."

"Are you sure, Jessie? Seemed like you nodded off there for a moment," Nott says softly.

"I told you, I'm fine," Jester snaps. Immediately, she regrets it, as she sees Nott recoil at her harsh words.

"Jester, she's only trying to help." Beau, ever the cool head in a crisis, motions for Caduceus to move Clarabelle closer to the others. "We can't have you running yourselves off of the road." 

Caleb rolls his eyes at that, and if it were any other time _(if they hadn't just left Yasha behind, if they hadn't broken their promise)_ she would've laughed, since there wasn't even a road to run off of. Instead, she stays quiet, breathing in and out.

"Hey, Jess, how 'bout I take the reins for a bit?" Fjord says, in the soothing tone that makes her think of jellyfish and beauty and how vulnerable they all were to have the most wonderful things taken away from them.

"Do you know how?" she asks, leaning and turning so that she can look at his face. It's pale, and the dark circles beneath his eyes make her wonder if she looks the same.

"I'd like to think I've learned a thing or two from watching you," he chuckles, but there's no real warmth behind it.

She nods silently, and hands him the reins. Yarnball resists for a moment, but allows the switch after some petting and shushing from Jester. They continue moving forward, and she finds herself leaning back to rest her head on Fjord's chest.

Jester drifts in and out of consciousness as they cross the wastelands of Xhorhas. The urge to cry slowly subsides, giving way to the all-encompassing emptiness that had been building ever since they left the tomb. Fjord checks in every so often, with a "you there, Jess?" or "not too much further." She feels dizzy, and hot, then cold, then exhausted, then wired, then wondering if everyone else is feeling the same.

 _(And you can't even keep yourself awake. Pathetic, couldn’t save her, much less them, much less_ **_him_** _.)_

They ride until nightfall before setting up camp under a large rock. Conversation is minimal as they eat, besides pleasantries and failed attempts at small talk. Jester’s just focused on eating. Well, eating, and taking stock of what was left of the Mighty Nein.

Nott, eyes full of sorrow and taking swig after swig from her flask.

Caleb, switching between writing in his book and staring at the campfire.

Beau, crushing her piece of bread as she stares into the darkness.

Caduceus, hands shaking as he lifts his cup to his mouth, eyes darting around.

Fjord, seemingly without an appetite as he instead pokes at the fire.

So much for being mighty.

When the time comes, Jester volunteers herself for the first watch, since she slept a little on the ride _(she hadn’t gotten any real rest though, none that mattered)._ Fjord, with a slightly wary look, joins her. They sit apart, not speaking, as the night drags on.

With nothing else to do, she fishes her notebook out of her pink bag. She opens it the first blank page, and for the second-ever time that she could remember, she couldn't think of anything to draw.

_(the first time, when all hope had been lost and she were never going to see her friends again and there was nothing left and Yasha was gone then too-)_

Jester stares and stares at the page. Closes it a few minutes later, because if the Traveler was really listening, he would've saved Yasha, he would've done something, he wouldn't have left her all alone because Jester _promised._

_"I know that... you lost your family, but we can be your new one."_

It feels like an eternity before the silence finally breaks.

"Why are you so sure?"

Jester looks over at Fjord, a silhouette in profile as he sits up against the rock _(she's drawn him like this so many times, smiling features lit by firelight with a backdrop of stars but she can't bring herself to put anything on paper right now)._ "What?"

"How... how do you know that she's really still in there? The Yasha we knew?" He avoids her eyes, fixing them to the ground.

A bubble of anger threatens to burst in her mind _(why don't they believe, why can't they see that she's still in there),_ but she pushes past it to croak in a voice sore from crying and disuse, "How do you know she isn't?"

He takes a shaky breath. "I have been betrayed by... so many people in my life. People who I trusted when I was young, makin' fun of me for my orcishness, Vandren, toyin' with the same crazy powers that I was, and-" His voice cracks, and Jester can see in the firelight that his eyes are full of tears too, his brow furrowed in an effort to keep them hidden.

"Sabien," she finishes.

With that, his eyes finally meet hers, for a moment. "He killed everyone I cared about. Killed me. And I don't even know why. And now with this - I tried to save her, Jessie. I did everything I ever could have done, but she didn't want to. She didn't want to leave and I _can't see why._ She hurt me, and Nott, and Beau, and-"

"Hey, hey, no," she says softly, scooting closer towards him. She's never seen Fjord spiral like this before. He was always collected and knowledgeable and brave but not _breaking._ Not like her. He trails off, and with another look into her eyes, whatever dam he had put up inside of his head breaks, and he collapses into tears. Jester holds him, resting her head atop his in a way that she remembers her mother doing whenever she had a nightmare.

"I've got you, Fjord," she murmurs into his ear between the sobs.

After a few minutes, he pulls away, putting his hands into Jester's like he would float away if he wasn’t holding on.

"During that fight, it... it looked like she was gonna hit you. Bad. And I don't-I don't know what I would've done if she'd-"

"But she didn't," Jester says, squeezing his hands. "I'm still here, and we have to believe in her for that." She takes her own shuddering breath. "It's about faith, Fjord. We have to believe that we can save her from this, because if we don't... if we don't, then she's really gone, betrayal or not. And I don't accept that."

Fjord takes another deep breath as he stares down at their intertwined hands. "I wish that came as easy to me as it does to you, Jess."

"That's alright. I can help you out!" Jester says, in the cheeriest tone she can muster. It gets a small laugh out of Fjord.

"Thank you, Jester, I'd appreciate that," he says with the smallest of smiles.

Jester gasps lightly, not because of the words he'd said, but because for the first time in ages, Fjord had answered her in his voice, his _real_ voice, different from the twangy-sounding one he used now. It has the same low rumble below it, though, like distant thunder. He doesn’t even seem to notice the switch, as he just looks at Jester with a fondness that was usually saved for moments when he knew she wasn’t looking back at him.

There's another beat of silence, with the tiniest hint of tension, before Jester says, "I promised her that we'd be there for her, y'know? Before we went in?"

Fjord tilts his head. "You did?"

"Yeah," she sniffs. "I told her that we were her family. And we'd have her back. I promised her, Fjord. I _promised_..."

_"We love you very much, Yasha. No matter what happened."_

A few more tears spill over, but it's not the gut-wrenching, soul-baring sobs from before. It feels more like mourning now.

Fjord's arm wraps around her shoulders, and it's Jester's turn to be held. Still, she barely feels the warmth, the calloused fingertips pressing into her arm, the way that her tears spill onto his leather armor before falling away. She just feels... _broken._

A few minutes pass like this. It's a couple more before the tears stop flowing. At a point, it just becomes Jester and Fjord, sitting together, their hiccuping breaths and crackling flames as their only company.

"You know, if all of that's true, and that isn't our Yasha in there, I suppose that means she has faith in us too," Fjord says carefully, like he's saying it a language he hasn't spoken in years. “So we’ll keep your promise, Jester. We’ll go back for her, or we’ll try our best to. No one’s broken any promises yet.”

Jester looks up at him, eyes wide. A smile tugs at her lips, as all she can think is, _How does he do that, how does he always say just the right thing?_ "There you go, now you get it."

"I'm a fast learner," he grins, and she giggles. It's then that she starts to feel the warmth and weight of his arm wrapped around her, notices that the fingers on his other hand are laced with hers, and that her knee is tucked just under his knee, and the stars are so, _so_ bright tonight, and she feels everything, all of it, all at once. She feels her face get warm, and looks into Fjord's eyes. Sees that he's feeling just as much as she is, feeling like they're standing on the brink of _something,_ something huge and important. Something worth fighting for.

 _It's all about faith, right?_ she thinks. She leans in.

The kiss is short, nothing like the ones in the books Jester reads. But it's warm, and good, and she can feel the scar that cuts through his lip as she presses hers to it.

They pull away, and rest their foreheads together as they take in the moment. The next watch starts soon, and the small voices in the back of their heads tell them that they haven't felt the last of the pain on this path, but all they can do, right then, is be there for each other.

Just like they always have.

**Author's Note:**

> italic center-aligned text is from c2ep66
> 
> (also if anyone caught my super sneaky campaign one reference lemme know)
> 
> hope you enjoyed this self-indulgent hurt/comfort fest! comments and kudos are Highly appreciated
> 
> love yall <3333!!!


End file.
